Navigating murky waters: how to be Facebook friends with unfunny people

Ceecee* is a fun loving friend of mine from high school who makes her living working with children–her pie chart of Facebook posts looks a little something like this:

Some people might feel that person that works with kids shouldn’t be posting pictures of herself drinking and carousing or posting curse words.

I, personally, don’t care. Teachers and child care workers put their pants on one leg at a time just like the rest of us–and just like the rest of us, they deserve to go out drinking with their friends after hours, and they deserve to say curse words in front of their adult friends without having their careers jeopardized.

I’m pretty sure Ceecee has the good sense not to go to work drunk or hungover (or be Facebook friends with any of the children she works with, thus glorifying drinking alcohol or cursing), so it doesn’t really matter to me that she enjoys drinking on the weekends and having fun with her friends. She has a job, she isn’t hurting herself or anyone else. She is just being herself.

However, knowing that there are people in the world that are prone to having strong feelings about things that are none of their business, it did not surprise me when Ceecee recently announced that she had to temporarily deactivate her account, delete a bunch of people from her friends list, and reopen her account under a pseudonym as a result of one of her co-workers (with whom she was FB friends) tattling to the head of their company because Ceecee wrote something on FB that caused offense.

In my (unsolicited) opinion, the tattle-taling to a person’s boss about something posted on FB (that did not involve the physical abuse of another person or animal) is totally out of line.

Here’s the deal. Facebook is a place where people express themselves. If you are FB friends with someone and you don’t like what they have to say, your choices are as follows:

1. IGNORE THEM
   Ignore them by using the scroll bar to go past their post(s). Easy.
2. BLOCK THEM FROM  YOUR NEWS FEED
   If they really annoy you on a regular basis, you can very easily block their posts from coming up in your feed. They will never know you did this.
3. DE-FRIEND THEM (LAST RESORT)
   If they have offended you deeply or annoyed you thoroughly, you can de-friend them. They probably will not notice (unless you are 1/3 of their total friend collection). BUT if they do notice, at some point down the road, that you are no longer FB friends and check to see that you are still on FB…they will probably be hurt…so exercise this option with caution.

Unless someone is posting about doing something horrible to another living being (in which case the right thing to do is to alert the appropriate authorities), you really need to find a non-confrontational way to deal with the situation.

And, if you suspect that one of your friends might be offended by your typical FB posts, your choices are similar to those listed above:

1. PRETTY MUCH THE SAME AS #1 ABOVE
   Do not accept them as FB friends in the first place…and certainly don’t initiate a FB friendship.
2. YEP, BASICALLY THE SAME AS #2 ABOVE
   If it is clear to you that they would be offended if you don’t accept their friend request, change your privacy settings in Facebook to block them from seeing certain posts/comments/photos.
3. GUESS WHAT I AM DOING TO SAY NEXT? SAME AS #3 ABOVE…WOW, YOU ARE REALLY GOOD AT THIS GUESSING GAME!
   If they have thoroughly annoyed you with their judgmental tendencies, you may want to consider de-friending them. Same warning about consequences listed above under #3 apply here.

Let me de-mystify how to handle Facebook scuffles: it’s really not that different from real life

In real life, when someone says something that offends you, the right thing to do is either ignore them OR if you are really bothered and are certain that you aren’t just being overly-sensitive, then you say something to them about it in private. If someone says something on FB that has offended you, you handle it the same way: you send them a private message or email -OR- you say something to them in person…again, in private.

Arguing with a friend in the comments section of their allegedly offensive post only makes YOU look like a jerk…telling your co-worker’s boss that they shared a dirty joke on Facebook is just unacceptable.

Yes, even if your (probably unsolicited) opinion is the right one. 🙂

*Names have been changed to protect the victims of bad social media manners.

A Tale of Awkward Workplace Photos

Today I would like to give a shout out to the grandmammy of them all, the matriarch of advice columnists, “Dear Abby”.

One of my faithful readers alerted me to column written by good ole Abbs on October 31, 2012, stating:

“DEAR ABBY: There is a man at work I’m very attracted to. He seems to be equally attracted to me. The problem is, he has shown me two pictures of his privates that he has on his cellphone. When he did it, it wasn’t completely out of context of our conversation and our interest in each other. We do not have a physical relationship (yet), but I’m considering it. How weird is it that he has these pictures on his phone? — GOT AN EYEFUL IN ILLINOIS

DEAR GOT AN EYEFUL: That must have been some conversation! It’s amazing either of you get any work done with so many pheromones floating in the air. From my perspective, what your co-worker did was “premature” considering you have no social relationship (yet). It could also be considered a form of flashing.

However, while I consider what he did to be overexposure and not a particularly impressive courtship technique, displaying pictures of his anatomy on his cellphone is not unheard of among men who think like adolescents.”

Click here to read other Dear Abby wisdom bombs.

Oh doggies!!! This is a whopper!!! With all due respect for Abby, I feel like she left some money on the table here.

1) Abby does not even mention the dangers of workplace dating. Is this no longer a concern for people? I am aware that a huge percentage of happy couples meet at work…but there can also be some pretty significant awkwardness if things don’t work out between canoodling colleagues and it seems strange to me that Abbs didn’t throw out a word of warning. In some cases, it can worth the risk…but I think you need to ask yourself if his hot-o-meter reading warrants the risk.

2) I agree with Abby’s statement that showing someone a pic of your stuff is “not a particularly impressive courtship technique” but I feel like there is a question begging to be begged: Why in the world does this man have these pictures on his phone in the first place?!?! Although I have next to no background on the situation, I have a strong feeling he didn’t take these happy snaps specifically for her viewing pleasure. Isn’t there some sort of protocol for personalization or at least timestamping? Front cover of the morning paper in the background…or is that too kidnapper-esque?

3) I have spent many hours of my life watching sexual harassment training videos as part of corporate orientation that have left me feeling like I need to get myself a “just in case” attorney on retainer (for the record, you can totally get sued for sexual harassment if you give a co-worker a hug when they tell you, for example, that they are pregnant or just got engaged…and I am a well-known workplace congratulatory hugger)! Although there is a lot of grey area, I can say with confidence that this guy’s photographic prowess DEFINITELY falls in the “not recommended” category…which leads me to believe he has poor judgment, just generally.

Here’s a fun checklist to consider. Are you at all worried that he’ll:

• say something ridiculous in front of your boss?
• grope you while in line for crab cakes at the holiday party?
• (if your relationship advances) make lascivious comments to you in front of your mom?

If you answer “yes” to any of the above questions, I think you should keep this person as your flirt practice partner and nothing more.

Not that you asked for my opinion, Eyeful in Illinois, but I think you are setting the bar pretty low here. I think you can do better.

Dear Gentle Readers,

Despite this blog’s very purpose (to share my unsolicited advice and opinions on issues of my choosing)…I will not bore you with my political views.

All I want out of tonight’s debate is for Obama and Romney to answer the questions they were asked, even if they don’t have a perfect answer. 

We’re all human and we don’t always have the right answers. Let’s just do our best!

 

 

Wheezing the Juice

Even our old pal Amy Dickinson is getting dragged into recent debates about soda–except we aren’t talking about child obesity issues and health care costs, we’re talking about the horrible effects of sip stealers.

On July 13, 2012 in the Chicago Tribune “Ask Amy” section, I read this:

“Dear Amy: My husband and I have been good friends with another couple for over 10 years. We meet them for dinner with our families on a regular basis. I have noticed that my friend (who is an affluent money manager) will order water, get a cup and then serve herself soda from the “self-serve” soda fountain. This theft embarrasses me to no end, and frankly, I find stealing even a small level to be a sign of bad morals. We have small children and I do not want them thinking this behavior is OK.
The more I venture out in public, the more I see people stealing drinks, making me wonder how people justify this behavior? The knowledge that the cost is passed on to the rest of us is also irritating. On the other hand, we do love these people and I don’t want to anger my husband by offending them. How should I handle this?
— Conflicted

Dear Conflicted: Your children’s morals will not be polluted (or diluted) by being around other people who behave unethically.
Why? Because you are raising them. If anything, this presents a “teachable moment,” where — if they ask you — you can say, “I would never want you to help yourself to something you hadn’t paid for — but she is making her own choices and I’m not her mom.” Also, I can’t understand why it would anger your husband to have you bring up a topic reflecting your own point of view with someone who is your friend. You can say to her privately, “I notice you always help yourself to the soda when you haven’t paid for it. Do you think that’s ethical?” Leave your husband and children out of it. She’ll have a ready answer for why this is justifiable behavior, and you can respond honestly by telling her that you completely disagree.”

Click here for more of Amy Dickinson’s sweet treats.

Initial reaction: How Amy D could resist yelling “FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS” in this lady’s grill is a mystery to me.

No Wheezing the Ju-uuuuuuuice

Actual serious response: Yes, stealing is definitely wrong, even if it’s something small…and kids should learn this…and if you and your kids see someone stealing something, you could take the opportunity to explain to them that stealing is wrong.

But don’t go too crazy. It’s also important to raise little people that don’t grow up to be complete knuckleheads that can’t distinguish the difference between a person doing something they don’t approve of and something that is actually legitimately terrible.

As far as I know, we only get one chance on this Earth to figure out what our gifts are, figure out how to share them, and maybe make the world a little bit better for a couple of people. And we aren’t going to be able to accomplish those monumental tasks if we spend our time and energy trifling and tattling.

No Such Thing As A Free Dinner

I would like to start my first unsolicited advice post by saying that advice columnist Amy Dickinson knows what’s up. In general, she seems like such a nice, reasonable lady–and I love her columns so much, I have found myself saying on more than one occasion “Amy D totally has my dream job!”…and her column inspired me to create this blog.

I usually agree with the advice she dispenses through her “Ask Amy” column, so I probably won’t be writing many posts about how I would have suggested something different (though I am considering creating an “Amen, Amy!” section so I can give her a shout out every once in a while when she really nails it).

But today, I have something to say about a recent piece of advice. On September 26, 2012 in the Chicago Tribune “Ask Amy” section, I read this:

“Dear Amy: My niece contacted me and said she was coming to an event near my home. She wondered if she and her family could stay at my home during the weekend.

I was happy to have them, and they had a good time. They all swam in my pool, soaked in my hot tub, shot pool in my game room, etc. My wife and I cooked for them.

Their final evening, we all went out to dinner (six of them and two of us), and when the bill came it was placed on the table between my nephew and me. He never made a move, so I finally reached for it and paid for it all. He didn’t offer to share, and in not doing so, didn’t even give me the chance to express my generosity and say, “I’ve got it.” I felt disappointed and used.

How do you feel about this? The next time they ask to stay, how do I gracefully decline? — Upset Uncle

Dear Uncle: Your niece and her husband should have picked up the check. If you wanted to nudge them in the right direction, you could have said, “Bart, let’s settle up, here,” getting out your wallet while sliding the check toward his coffee cup.

I hope you receive an overflowing gift basket as a thank you for your hospitality.

Declining to be a host is actually relatively easy. You just say, “Oh, we can’t host you this time. Do you want the number for a local bed and breakfast? We’d love to see you while you’re in the area.”

Click here to read the other questions Amy Dickinson answered that day.

Ok. I agree with Amy that the niece and her husband DEFINITELY should have picked up the check after enjoying their aunt and uncle’s cooking, swimming pool, and generally wonderful display of hospitality all weekend long. I think I actually exclaimed “Ice burn!” and was mad at these moochers for a few hours when I first read this article.

I also agree with Amy’s suggestion, once it’s obvious that they aren’t going to pick up the check, that he slide the check, reach for his wallet and say, “(Name), let’s settle up here”. Great. You could also say, in a friendly tone, “(Name), how should we split this?”–just another way of saying the same thing. We’re good so far.

What I don’t totally agree with is her statement that it’s “easy” to turn down their future requests. Personally, I don’t think I could ever say “let me get you the number to a bed and breakfast” to a family member if I wanted to have a close relationship with them and if I had the room to comfortably host them. That doesn’t sound “easy” at all!!

After thinking about this for a while, I came up with a new take on the whole situation. If Upset Uncle had asked for my advice, which he didn’t, I’d like to suggest he look at this situation from a totally different point of view. Rather than being disappointed at the restaurant check snub and thinking about these relatives as captains of the mooch patrol…I’d like to him to think about my favorite aunt and uncle.

My favorite aunt and uncle are no longer around anymore, but if they were, I would tell them how my visits to their house were the highlights of my childhood. My happiest memories include swimming in their pool, eating the delicious foods they prepared with love, playing in their backyard, or even doing something as simple as going with them to the grocery store to pick up a forgotten item. I could go on and on all day about how lovely they were. As I am growing older, I often think about what wonderful role models they were and look forward to a time when I have children or nieces/nephews to shower with affection.

Back to UU. Instead of wincing when looking back on this weekend and suggesting they stay at a bed and breakfast next time they come to town (which may deter them from coming to visit–which would be a shame because it sounds like everyone had a fun time!), I implore Upset Uncle to try and focus on what a WONDERFUL weekend they had together. Sure, it would have been nice if they had paid, but that’s not the only thing that happened worthy of remembering. For all you know, UU, money is tight and you treating them to dinner was a really big deal to them. Thirty years from now, those kids might think back to this weekend and remember your generous spirit and ask themselves what they can do to make someone else’s life better. What a great legacy! Another thought: For all you know, these kids may end up coming to your house years from now to help you clean out your garage when you are not able. Who knows?! When you leave the door open, the possibilities are endless.

It’s really up to you. You can choose to be hurt and disappointed, or you can think about the many likely reasons why they weren’t able to pick up the check and choose instead to focus on all the great things that may come from your continued relationship with them.

Like You Care

Dear gentle readers,

On a regular basis I read advice columns in the newspaper and often find myself thinking “Oh HELL no!”, which roughly translates to “That is NOT the advice I would have given!”.

And since I’m so damned amused by myself, just generally, I figured “Why not share my unsolicited advice with the world?”

As of today, here–by unpopular demand–are my deep thoughts that you all have not been dying to hear.