No Such Thing As A Free Dinner

I would like to start my first unsolicited advice post by saying that advice columnist Amy Dickinson knows what’s up. In general, she seems like such a nice, reasonable lady–and I love her columns so much, I have found myself saying on more than one occasion “Amy D totally has my dream job!”…and her column inspired me to create this blog.

I usually agree with the advice she dispenses through her “Ask Amy” column, so I probably won’t be writing many posts about how I would have suggested something different (though I am considering creating an “Amen, Amy!” section so I can give her a shout out every once in a while when she really nails it).

But today, I have something to say about a recent piece of advice. On September 26, 2012 in the Chicago Tribune “Ask Amy” section, I read this:

“Dear Amy: My niece contacted me and said she was coming to an event near my home. She wondered if she and her family could stay at my home during the weekend.

I was happy to have them, and they had a good time. They all swam in my pool, soaked in my hot tub, shot pool in my game room, etc. My wife and I cooked for them.

Their final evening, we all went out to dinner (six of them and two of us), and when the bill came it was placed on the table between my nephew and me. He never made a move, so I finally reached for it and paid for it all. He didn’t offer to share, and in not doing so, didn’t even give me the chance to express my generosity and say, “I’ve got it.” I felt disappointed and used.

How do you feel about this? The next time they ask to stay, how do I gracefully decline? — Upset Uncle

Dear Uncle: Your niece and her husband should have picked up the check. If you wanted to nudge them in the right direction, you could have said, “Bart, let’s settle up, here,” getting out your wallet while sliding the check toward his coffee cup.

I hope you receive an overflowing gift basket as a thank you for your hospitality.

Declining to be a host is actually relatively easy. You just say, “Oh, we can’t host you this time. Do you want the number for a local bed and breakfast? We’d love to see you while you’re in the area.”

Click here to read the other questions Amy Dickinson answered that day.

Ok. I agree with Amy that the niece and her husband DEFINITELY should have picked up the check after enjoying their aunt and uncle’s cooking, swimming pool, and generally wonderful display of hospitality all weekend long. I think I actually exclaimed “Ice burn!” and was mad at these moochers for a few hours when I first read this article.

I also agree with Amy’s suggestion, once it’s obvious that they aren’t going to pick up the check, that he slide the check, reach for his wallet and say, “(Name), let’s settle up here”. Great. You could also say, in a friendly tone, “(Name), how should we split this?”–just another way of saying the same thing. We’re good so far.

What I don’t totally agree with is her statement that it’s “easy” to turn down their future requests. Personally, I don’t think I could ever say “let me get you the number to a bed and breakfast” to a family member if I wanted to have a close relationship with them and if I had the room to comfortably host them. That doesn’t sound “easy” at all!!

After thinking about this for a while, I came up with a new take on the whole situation. If Upset Uncle had asked for my advice, which he didn’t, I’d like to suggest he look at this situation from a totally different point of view. Rather than being disappointed at the restaurant check snub and thinking about these relatives as captains of the mooch patrol…I’d like to him to think about my favorite aunt and uncle.

My favorite aunt and uncle are no longer around anymore, but if they were, I would tell them how my visits to their house were the highlights of my childhood. My happiest memories include swimming in their pool, eating the delicious foods they prepared with love, playing in their backyard, or even doing something as simple as going with them to the grocery store to pick up a forgotten item. I could go on and on all day about how lovely they were. As I am growing older, I often think about what wonderful role models they were and look forward to a time when I have children or nieces/nephews to shower with affection.

Back to UU. Instead of wincing when looking back on this weekend and suggesting they stay at a bed and breakfast next time they come to town (which may deter them from coming to visit–which would be a shame because it sounds like everyone had a fun time!), I implore Upset Uncle to try and focus on what a WONDERFUL weekend they had together. Sure, it would have been nice if they had paid, but that’s not the only thing that happened worthy of remembering. For all you know, UU, money is tight and you treating them to dinner was a really big deal to them. Thirty years from now, those kids might think back to this weekend and remember your generous spirit and ask themselves what they can do to make someone else’s life better. What a great legacy! Another thought: For all you know, these kids may end up coming to your house years from now to help you clean out your garage when you are not able. Who knows?! When you leave the door open, the possibilities are endless.

It’s really up to you. You can choose to be hurt and disappointed, or you can think about the many likely reasons why they weren’t able to pick up the check and choose instead to focus on all the great things that may come from your continued relationship with them.